A "Typical" Day at the Office

As you should all know, I was volunteering at an international aid organization helping to save the world (yeah right). Since I can only assume you're all very curious what exactly I do when I save the world, here's a "typical" day at the office:

I came into work today at about 10am or 11am, almost completely recovered from whatever irresponsible drinking I did the night before. After a couple of hours of searching Google Earth for funny pictures of Russians, the office spontaneously broke out into dance and song (probably Xavier Rudd). Then we embarked upon a "business lunch" excursion. Liakos asked the microbus driver if he could be ayudante for the ride to which the driver reluctantly agreed.

As ayudante, you are responsible for yelling out destinations as loudly and often as possible (eg: "Terminal, Hiper, Hospital... Terminal, Hiper, Hospital") to solicit more passengers a la Simpsons-style superliminial advertising (eg: "Hey you! Get on my bus!") to which end Liakos won the driver's admiration with a hard sell to a group of 6 indigenous women. Finally, your last responsibility as an ayudante is to collect payment, which is 1 Quetzal ($0.15) per person, 2 Quetzales for stupid gringos who don't know any better. It was quite amusing to see a gringo ayudante and the driver gave Liakos a free ride for his services.

The business lunch was held at a surreal North American-style strip mall/suburb ful of wealthy Guatemalans. I had a La Noña sandwich, Frijole (bean) soup, and some tasty hors d'oeuvres (fresh avocado, chips and salsa). We split a bottle of wine (Chilean), then two people left. We split another bottle of wine, and two more left. Then the four of us split a third bottle of wine and took off towards the mall containing Hiper, a large pharmacy/supermarket owned by Walmart.

We played drunken bumper cars, some DDR-like dance game in the arcade before the locals kicked us off for "playing it incorrectly", and then bought a bottle of cheap flavoured ron (rum) and some tonic water. We headed for the movie theatre with our new found booze. We tried out two movies which were either too difficult to understand in Spanish or too shitty to watch (Hollywood flick with "Spartans" in its title), and then settled on the latest Disney/Pixar/Dr Seuss "Horton" animation in Spanish.

I lost my ticket during all the running around, and so when the security guard asked for my ticket, I used the best trump card I had: play dumb tourist. Even though I understood exactly what he was saying, he eventually got fed up trying to talk to me and accepted Katie's ticket for me and left in disgust. Later as the security guards' became more annoying, we changed into each others clothes in a vain attempt to hide. The manager lady tricked us down a gated hallway and locked us out of the theatre.

We met the rest of AIDG at a cheap Italian restaurant for pizza, more wine, and beer. The pizza was excellent, but I was getting pretty drunk at that point. It was then that I was introduced to a sketchy bar that puts the Ivanhoe to shame: The Roca Negra.

Drinks were 4 Quetzales for 1/8L of Quetzalteca Especiale (about $0.15 per shot), the bartender was blind (presumably from drinking so much of this liquor) but his wife could see (when she wasn't passed out on one of the tables), and there was already a small horde of alcoholics already plastered. Let me explain the most brilliant part of the bar: Right in the corner of the bar was a toilet. Not to worry about privacy however, as there was a 4 foot tall wall around it. It greatly added to the amusement in the bar that whenever someone had to go, guy or girl, number 1 or 2, you could always maintain eye contact, so you didn't even need to stop conversing.

We were instant hits since we were drunken gringos and we brought girls. After a bit of drunken dancing, two especially tenacious little drunks Guatemalans and one giant drunk Guatemalan hovered around us. As it became more and more obvious that we were annoyed with the little drunks' futile attempts with Katie and Emily (I think Corrina might have disappeared by then), the large drunk picked up one of the little drunks and put him down a few feet away with a look that sent him scuttling even further away. The large drunk, obviously pleased with the way he dealt with the situation began flexing his muscles "seductively" for our pleasure. After that grew dull, he began explaining how the wounds on his arms were from training a hyena for dog fights, which he invited us to.

The large drunk became extremely friendly with Carlos, and offered to kill anyone who messed with him. He pulled out his 45 cal handgun and began waving it drunkenly around in the bar for emphasis. Shortly thereafter, we left.

I spoke with two locals from Xela about this awesome drinking hole, which claims to be the location where alcohol has been consumed for the longest time in Xela (not to be confused with Salon Tecun, the longest running drinking establishment). The locals said that only alcoholics go to the Roca Negra. Hmmm...?

Dan.